Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Funny Business

Went to see "Lee Daniels' The Butler" tonight with some friends.

I liked it. A lot.

But the real show was all the traffic going in and out of our row.


The Man and I went with another couple and we chose to sit on the end of a row. I always sit on the end of the row because I need a quick escape in an emergency situation.

I'm a little quirky like that.

It's also the reason why I like to have the hallway door open at the library. If there's an emergency and I need to evacuate the building, I don't want a door to slow me down. So I keep it propped open.

My friend D and I sat on the end seat and second seat in the row, the Man and D's husband sat in the third and fourth seat in. A group of four or so was occupying the middle of the row and there were more people in the seats at the other end of the row.

As the previews were playing, a group of three women came in and wanted to get to some seats toward the middle of our row. They slowly worked their way down the line while people shifted in their seats to make room. The last woman in didn't even try to avoid banging into any of us. She just moved through like a snowplow, clearing a path in her wake.

Within an hour, snowplow woman had to go to the ladies' room. Again she came through, smacking us all on the legs as she went by. When she had passed me, and had dragged her legs across my knees, I noticed that one of my knees felt damp. Of course, I had shorts on - leaving me with bared, exposed knees open to all kinds of germs and nasty things. Ewww.

I started to get a whiff of something not quite kosher and the freak-out began. I squirmed in my seat, trying to avoid the odor I was smelling. I bent over to get a good look at my knee and see if there was anything smeared across it. Snowplow woman returned and this time I turned my body ninety degrees so that we didn't touch as she passed by.

I lasted about ten minutes and had to excuse myself. I just about ran into the ladies room and grabbed a bunch of paper towels, wet them, and loaded them up with antibacterial soap. I scrubbed my legs and dried them. Got more paper towels and more soap. Scrubbed my legs again and dried them. All the while, I've got one leg propped up on the counter so I can see what I'm doing. And then I switch, making sure I don't miss any spots.

The irony here is that if anyone had come in at that moment, I would have looked like a freak. But I didn't care. I had to get the nasty germs off my legs.

I made it back to my seat with minimal disruption, sat down, and sank back into the movie.

Ten minutes later, another woman from the same group had to get past us to go to the ladies' room. Again, I twisted ninety degrees to let her out. Settled back in to the movie and waited for her to come back. When she did, she couldn't find our row. D and I saw her and immediately started to make room for her to go past us. She saw us moving and realized what row she was seated in. She brushed past us, whispering "thank you" as she went by. 

Glad to be of assistance, ma'am.

A few minutes later, another woman is walking up the aisle along the side of us and trips just as she is going past our row. I saw her start to fall, looked at D's face to see the look of horror as we both realize the woman is heading right towards us. Thankfully, she caught herself before she hit the floor, windmilling her arms to catch her balance. I really thought she was going to land across D's lap and my lap. D and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Unbelievably, the movie was right in the middle of a very funny scene and everyone else was laughing too. 

Which made us laugh even harder.

So, yes, the movie was funny. But not for the reasons you might think.

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